Do you want to live more consciously? Or do you want to follow the conditioned unconscious speech of the masses?
Words carry energy and unconscious meaning. When you start to change the language you use, you change the energy you carry and emit to others and within yourself.
So here’s my top three, and you’re not gonna wanna miss the last one as it’s the most important.
1: “at least”
Someone is telling you a problem or a dilemma they’re experiencing and you go into problem solving mode with them and wanting them to feel better about their situation so you say “Well at least you’re getting some money back on it” or “at least you still have a roof over your head” or “at least you didn’t suffer like I did” or “at least you did have what happened to my neighbour happen to you” I mean it’s fine to say these things, but save it for the END of the conversation - The primary goal is to validate instead of invalidate, and when you say “At Least….” that is an invalidating statement that you put out there to shut down the conversation and end the disclosure. Same goes for saying “it could be worse”
#2: “You Should, or I should”
Listen to how many times you say the word “should” I bet you say it all the time and you don’t even notice it. And what happens when you say “should” ? It leads to guilt.
I really should exercise more, but I'm not, so what does that say about me, it means I'm lazy and unmotivated.
When you say I should, it means you’re not doing something and it creates guilt or shame about why your not doing this thing.
The next time you say “I should” catch yourself and instead as yourself “Do I want to? Oh I really should shovel the snow before it’s gets too heavy, this turns into a NEED - I need to shovel the snow before it gets to heavy, so I will.
I should go to the gym today, but I don’t want to, and I don’t really need to because instead I need to do something restorative instead, so I will do a guided meditation today.
“I should get better at budgeting and saving my money” - Well this is actually a need! Is it a need? So change your speech to say “I need to work on budgeting myself and saving money, so I will” and then this moves you into action instead of guilt and shame. “I should do this but I don’t know how” I need to do this, so I need to ask for help, so I will go and find someone to help me with this”
One builds motivation, the other builds shame and guilt.
One moves you into action, the other keeps you frozen in procrastination.
It’s about priorities - and if you’ve struggled with procrastination, then you need to check out the other video I did on How to Eliminate Procrastination”
So just Stop “shoulding” on yourself and others
#3 finally - this last one you might be a little upset with me about. The last phrase you need to remove from your vocabulary is “I’m sorry”
Now first there’s the response we give to each other when they tell us they’re sad, or they’ve had a hard day, or in response to if we’ve hurt their feelings - “I'm sorry you feel that way” or “I'm sorry that happened to you” NO , please don’t be sorry for my feelings, and don’t be sorry for what happened to me. Instead hear me and understand me. This is again another thing we say to one another that is unconsciously creating invalidation in others experiences. You never need to be sorry for feeling a certain way - but somewhere in history we were given this saying “Oh I'm sorry you’re feeling like that” and we all say it, but there are better things to say. And this just doesn’t hit the same, i know cause it’s consciously more validating and let’s face it we’re mostly used to and have normalized invalidating responses - instead say “thank you sharing your feelings with me” or ask questions “what has you feeling this way” “how long have you been feeling this way” Be present, allow the person to be with their feelings “i’m here if you need me” “I'm listening” instead of invalidating them, and shooing them away - well I’m sorry you feel that way.
Listen, I'm Canadian and they say that we’re the politest country because we’re known for saying “sorry” all the time. But in reality we’re just all over here fawning and people pleasing and saying what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
Here we can combine the “should” with the “sorry” “you should say you’re sorry”. But Do I need to say sorry - well that’s another story and before we even read that story, I want to tell you a new one.
Instead we need to work on saying Thank You! More Thank you, more gratitude. Because “sorry” is very low energy, low vibration, whereas Thank you is much higher on the vibrational frequency scale.
Sorry is easy. While saying thank you takes more thought and effort.
Now just in general the word “sorry” is unhelpful. Just cause we have all these words doesn’t mean we need to keep saying them - “You need to appologize for what you did, you need to say sorry to that man for bumping into him” “Hello Man, I didn’t notice you there and I bumped into you, I hope you’re ok” cause saying thank you doesn’t really apply there.
Saying sorry is done unconsciously - while turning your “sorry” into a thank you is much harder, but also much more thoughtful and contains a deeper intention to learn about the mistake that you’re saying sorry for.
We all make mistakes, and to say sorry for making a mistake seems like the right thing to say, but what is better is saying Thank you for pointing that out to me because now I’m more aware and I can take action to make sure that doesn’t happen again” and if it does happen again “thank you for having patience with me while I’m still learning this and working on myself, you really matter to me and our relationship matters to me”
Let’s not be sorry for our mistakes or make others sorry for their mistakes, again this creates shame and guilt. Let’s still hold each other accountable but lets also give people an opportunity to learn. Be thankful for these mistakes along the way because making mistakes is how we learn and grow.
Working in the criminal justice system for 20 years I know that in order fo the judge to consider giving you the lesser sentence you must show a sign of remorse — Showing remorse is that guilt, and shame. That is what I believe is wrong with the criminal justice system - so much judgement and not enough giving space for opportunities to learn. Instead of showing remorse by saying sorry - we need to look at showing what you learned through this mistake - what did this teach you? What did you learn about yourself as a result. ‘This offence really highlighted how much i need to work on myself and understand the deeper roots to my anger”
People who make mistakes and ones that are deemed criminal by society have already faced a lifetime of shame and guilt and going through the process of showing remorse further instills that guilt and shame and does nothing to repair the damaged part in them that brought on this behaviour in the first place.
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