I'd woken up one day to the energy of being a Lone Wolf and it was the most empowering feeling that I'd felt in a while. I'd heard about "Lone Wolves" before, but didn't really know much about it aside from the fact that it was a person who was alone, and maybe they were even a bit cold and standoffish. So I thought I'd come up with my own interpretation of what this particular "Lone Wolf Energy" was for me, and of course being a highly empathic person, I figured it would only make sense to tie that into this energy.
So I'm going to list only three traits, but these three things are massive as it relates to being a Lone Wolf Empath.
#1 They Experience Deep Loneliness While They Also Experience Deep Contentment Being Alone
This sense of aloneness vs. loneliness will creates a deep inner conflict for the majority of their lives. The conflict between the need to connect with others, vs the need to connect with themselves keeps them in a quandary and questioning if something is wrong with them.
Because they are such deep feelers, being around other people requires more energy and must be carefully planned. They will spend what feels like a lifetime trying to figure this out. Carefully curating the right type of people to share their energy reserves with is an important lesson and one that is unique on the path as a Lone Wolf Empath. They cannot be hazardous in this regard and must be discerning who they spend their time with because they can be all too naive to believe that everyone has their best intentions at heart. They’re prone to attracting many a toxic wolf, and will have to face periods of aloneness when they realize they have to eliminate these types of people from their lives. This is where the "aloneness" may feel like "loneliness"
To be lonely is to suffer, while to be alone is to be at peace. A Lone Wolf Empath may have become addicted to their own suffering and may cling to loneliness as they would a friend but peace is in aloneness and they may struggle to accept that it's ok to be at peace and they're allowed to let go of suffering.
Their alone time is absolutely necessary for their survival. A Lone Wolf Empath will have to come to terms with the amount of alone time they actually need as it’s often found to be excessive in comparison to what they have been giving themselves, or in terms of what they thought was normal. The main reason a Lone Wolf Empath with struggle so much is because they fail to accept this truth and will label themselves as "loners' "losers" "outcasts" and become depressed with the amount of alone time they taking. A very important area of personal development for A Lone Wolf Empath is to be 100% accepting of their time alone as this will lessen their self judgement that leads to suffering resulting in loneliness.
For many this ratio can be as much as 80% to oneself and 20% in connection with others. This “connection with others” includes even sitting in a coffee shop while being around the energy of other people. A brief interaction with the server or cashier can be enough to satisfy connection with society.
Being alone is serving a very important purpose for a Lone Wolf Empath because they have the most sensitive nervous system. A Lone Wolf Empath's nervous system has been damaged and is in need of repair. For some Lone Wolf Empaths, their nervous systems are beyond repair depending on the level of trauma they've gone through, so telling them that isolating is harmful for them isn't being understanding of how healing their alone time actually is. Being alone is serving a purpose, it's allowing the nervous system to heal. Being alone provides a sense of predictability. Being alone in your own space is healing because you've created a space that meets your sensory needs, and so instead of staying in a heightened sense of "fight or flight" they can switch into "rest and digest."
#2 They Are Prone To Cycles Of Addiction
A key trait of a Lone Wolf Empath is addiction and this addiction may not be to a substance, but can also be to a person. Lone Wolf Empaths have likely learned co-dependent behaviours and as such depend on other people to meet their emotional needs. Just like an alcoholic depends on alcohol to make them feel better, co-dependency can be the same way, also known as a "love" or "emotional" addition.
Many a Lone Wolf Empath has fallen into a trauma bond, which is characterized by a cycle of idealization, devaluation and discarding phases. This cycle can be experienced within all relationships either with a parent, a partner or a friend. This cycle can also be seen in an alcohol or drug addiction, not to mention food, or shopping and gambling. They can all be idealized and used as a celebratory, exciting and uplifting experience, but then it's followed by a period where they devalue themselves. They may shame themselves for having drank too much, ate too much or spent too much. The final stage of Discarding can look like self abandonment, self sabotage, and giving into the addiction as they feel a lack of self worth.
In co-dependent relationships, not only do they feel discarded and devalued by their partners, family or friends, they will turn on themselves as it's very common for someone who is co-dependent to experience low self worth and low confidence. They want to feel good about themselves, so their drug is doing things for other people, helping them, fixing them, trying to be the answer to all their problems, when really it's a false sense of control. Similar to any other addiction mentioned above, they are powerless to the addiction as much as they are powerless to being able to solve other people's problems.
They may give up one addiction for another. Give up smoking for food. Stop going to the casino and instead their tobacco consumption increases. End their shopping sprees and become a gym rat (yes we can become addicted to exercise). End a relationship and then start drinking every night. A Lone Wolf Empath might turn to alcohol, drugs or food as a way to cope with the emptiness of a person no longer being there to fill their void.
These imbalances and struggles to feel in control of their lives in some way leaves them feeling anxious and they may find themselves in a depression or isolation. The Lone Wolf Empath will have to come to terms with the need to enter into a state of withdrawal, whether it's from certain people who have become damaging to their nervous systems, or to the substances and other addictive behaviours that are more or less self meditating, maladaptive behaviours.
Just to be clear, dependence is characterized by a few things but one of them is continued use despite the negative and harmful effects. This is so true of many behaviours a Lone Wolf Empath will engage in, especially with toxic people by continuing to be in relationships with people who are damaging to our sensitive nervous systems. Just like an alcoholic who has cirrhosis of the liver but continues to drink knowing the harm that it's doing to their body. This is because there has been a chemical dependence established so to quit, and go cold turkey is painful, as much as it is to go no contact with a person who has been causing damage to your emotional wellbeing.
When we allow ourselves to enter into an addictive cycle it’s because we’re trying to avoid pain and when we avoid pain we don’t actually allow our nervous systems to recover from past trauma, and instead we keep that cycle alive. We allow people into our lives who replicate the cycle of abuse/addiction, and we allow ourselves, through our own addictive behaviours to keep the cycle of abuse/addiction alive.
Without it, we would experience a sense of calm and safety which isn’t a feeling that many Lone Wolf Empaths are used to. We’re used to being in a state of fight/flight/fawn/freeze. We're used to feeling insecure and inadequate in some way so if we’re not keeping busy with something (addiction to work is another one) then we fall into the devaluation of ourselves and say, “You’re being lazy,” “You’re not doing enough” followed by discarding ourselves by procrastinating and putting off our goals because that is exactly the cycle and the addiction that we’ve grown accustomed to.
Like the toxic person does to us in the beginning to make us feel so special and unique, we have to take a moment to reflect on the purpose behind this over the top performance. Is it the people pleasing that you're addicted to because of the validation it brings you? Just like any other addiction, it will run it’s course and become unmanageable. It will also become so incessant that you see yourselves doing it. You might hear your own voice telling you “We’re doing it again,” followed by, “This is the last time” or “I’ll only do it this once, and that’s it.”
A Lone Wolf Empath is constantly put off the inevitable, which is detoxing from this cycle they've become dependant upon. They have to make the choice one day to say, "Ok, I’m done with this" and completely go ‘no contact’ or ‘put up boundaries.’ At first they can try ‘harm reduction’ techniques, or the "grey rock" method to assist them in lessening the harm that they've been putting themselves through for so long.
#3 A Lone Wolf Empath is Extremely Creative
If you're reading this thinking you don't have any bone of creativity in your body, then this is where you may be experiencing a block to becoming and empowered Lone Wolf Empath. If you've been spending too much time caught up in the addictive cycles, then you may have been stifling your creative flame.
As I've come to know and work with thousands of empathic people, they are seen as the ones with the highest capacity for creativity due to their sensitive nature. They can hear things unlike anyone else, see things in a way that no one has imagined, and perceive experiences in a way that allow others to join them in the beauty that this life offers.
They are artists, musicians, chefs, sculptors, photographers, writers film makers, architects, landscapers, woodworkers, fashion designers, you name it!
During their alone time, these are the activities they would be spending their time with. This was their ‘addiction’ or 'special interest.' But once something else crossed their path like a new love interest, the loss of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, there is a strong likelihood that it can threaten their pursuit of artistic expression.
The excessive time they spent in the addictive cycles would take them further away from their creative callings but when they gave themselves the time alone, free from distractions , this is where the magic happens.
While spending this excessive time alone they are mastering their creative pursuits and interests. Many Lone Wolf Empaths as children spend hours in their room practicing musical instruments, or drawing their favourite tv characters, or sewing or knitting outfits. Maybe they were outside building forts, or taking pictures of nature, and imagining creating their own movie scenes. Lone Wolf Empaths didn't have many friends to play with as kids, so they had the luxury of investing thousands of hours honing their skills to become far more advanced in the arts at a young age and even more so if they kept it up by middle age.
Spending hours and hours amused and entertained by their creations and explorations in projects or these creative interests may have faded in and out over the years, but are the highlight of their existence and reveal the purpose of what they here for.
Their passion is their purpose.
Fraya Mortensen is a Canadian based Transformational Mindset Coach who helps empathic and highly sensitive people to build their self-awareness, self-compassion and set healthy boundaries without the guilt.
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