So you’ve been isolating from people and whether or not you understand what’s been going on with you, you need to read about these nine reasons as a source of validation. Hearing these points will allows you to accept why you isolate from people and that you don’t need to feel guilty about being this way.
You may not have been literally abandoned, but perhaps you were emotionally neglected or had your feelings invalidated over and over again. You might be feeling like you’ve brought on this isolation in a bad way, and you may think that you’re being avoidant or detached. But the truth is that you've been this was since as long as you can remember. You might even be someone who is hyper independent. Although we’ve been told that to be too independent is unhealthy because it holds us back from letting other people in, it doesn’t mean that you don't still have a life that is fulfilling and peaceful. What may have started out as a healing path, now looks like a path toward settling as a hermit. In this case however, there is no such thing as settling, unless you're just settling into this lifestyle of peace and solitude. Maybe you’re the INTJ or INFP personality types. Being this way is not antisocial. It is not irresponsible. You are an introvert and an intuitive one at that. Whether you feel more or think more. Whether you judge more or perceive more, what matters is where you get your energy from as in introverted person which is done by being alone.
2. You feel misunderstood most of the time so isolating is protecting you from judgement and criticism
You might desperately wish other people could understand why you need so much time alone but what you need understand is that very few people will. So it's up to you to understand the purpose this need for alone time serves for you.
We can’t expect our family or friends to understand this built in coping mechanism we've developed that looks like depression and avoidance to them. It might hurt having your isolating behaviours misinterpreted so it’s important for us to be able to understand the reasons for ourselves. If this is where you're feeling confused, then keep reading the following points and perhaps it might become clearer to you as to why you've landed yourself in this preferred way of living.
So long as we accept and understand ourselves (which is what is in our control) is what matters most.
You’ve had enough of being judged so this is the time to let that go, and let go of any judgement about yourself that you've been carrying around. It's also understandable if you've had to distance yourself form certain people or even cut people out of your life for the time being. The choices you are making are going to benefit your overall wellbeing in the long run and open up the doors for new opportunities and relationships to make their way in.
3. You’re burnt out and experiencing high levels of stress so to be around other people right now takes up a lot of energy that you need to restore.
It's likely that you've been living a life full of trauma, chaos, loss and unresolved pain from your childhood. To cope with this pain you may have landed yourself as a perfectionist, workaholic or in codependent relationships.
Your nervous system is burnt out and needs to know what it feels like to be calm.
It’s time to enter into the “rest and digest” mode of a healthy nervous system. This is where people will feel guilty for shutting down because they’ve always been on the go, and meeting the expectations of other people. But the "rest and digest" is exactly that, resting, doing nothing, or what feels like nothing to you. You might see rest as something you’re not entitled to; making you more susceptible to the judgements from others. Meanwhile the “digest” aspect of this downtime allows you to let the dust settle and to reflect on where you’ve been and where you want to be.
If you’ve experienced complex trauma this can be a difficult time, and you might experience boredom and loneliness that further challenges your need for rest. It may even feel unsafe to experience such peacefulness, however as your nervous system comes out of "fight and flight" and into "safe and secure" you'll notice over time that your interest and excitement to go back out into the world resurfaces, but from a much different lens!
4 You don’t have a support system of people to rely on so you’re healing with your army of one.
Whether you've had to cut some people out of your life, or you’ve never had a lot of people to begin with. This “army of one” can be a reality that you might be hit with and it can also be scary to not have that “emergency contact” to write down on a medical form, or some other application. You may have also experienced the loss of a loved one, gone through a divorce or recently become an empty nester. These factors can also lead to a period of time where we find ourselves isolated and alone as we learn how to adjust to a new lifestyle.
5. You prefer your own company feel a deep sense of solitude and safety being alone.
You might feel like you want some company, and that it would be nice to have someone around, and then a few moments later you think about the contentment you've been enjoying on your own.
You may have heard of a disorganized attachment style. "Yes please come over", and then… "How long are you staying for?" Or you agree to plans in the moment thinking that would be good for you to do, but when the time comes you’re just not feeling it and cancel since you want to maintain the reliable energy that you've managed to sustain on your own.
Building this sense of safety is important and you can test is as much as you can start to trust it because this sense of safety is also helping you to establish your sixth sense. This is an important part of the healing journey because living with complex trauma will have us blocked from our intuition causing us to ignore it or question it. Your intuition will grow the more you learn to trust yourself.
You might even live in a country or a neighbourhood where you literally don’t feel safe to venture off with people. Let’s face it some places are just not safe to go out in. Or you might feel socially awkward around a group of people, so this is a good time for you to pursue interests in your own environment where you feel more confident instead.
6. You an introverted creative soul who craves time alone to be able to pursue your passions.
An important feature of the healing process involves a return to our creative passions which in turn allows us to reconnect with our true selves. Many of my clients who come to work with my in the Free To Be You program speak about their overarching goal to wanting to be their real authentic selves.
Maybe you're pursing some big dreams at the moment that require time alone to do the deep work required so you need to keep that time to and for yourself. Before big projects can be revealed there is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes. Many people will hide themselves away as they’re getting to release their next book, or develop their next program or business venture, maybe it’s a music album, a new track or practicing for a big role in a movie.
People who are looking to achieve high level goals will get locked in on that one thing and so you can expect not to see them for a while. Depending on what you're creating, it can be difficult to make these transitions into and out of your artistic realities as much as it's important to carefully select how you use your down time so not to allow any negative influences to sway your creative pursuits.
Also keep in mind that many creative people need to pursue their special interests alone. You might not be able to express your creative side when people are around, regardless if this is something you plan to share with others, or simply to have for your own pleasure and artistic outlet.
7 You’re on an awakened path path of spiritual enlightenment no longer resonate with what’s going on in the world right now.
This is a big one! You might be having a difficult time being real is a fake world. You might feel like you were born on the wrong planet as your belief systems are changing and evolving. It’s a fact that being around other people who are immersed in drama, gossip, complaining, self pity and lacking an open minded attitude will only hold you back and create a decline in the ascension you are trying to achieve.
Some of you may feel that you need to be able to tune into your own voice. You need to hear the voice of your higher guidance directing you on your path. You might not be able to take in anyone else’s opinions or ideas right now as you’re focused on remembering who you are and what it is that you need. For far too long you may have been a people pleaser, taking care of other people’s needs and now it's time to even the balance.
Some of you may think that you need to be more social and still think that all of this keeping- to-yourself isn’t normal. Maybe you’re still on the edges of caring about what other people think or that you’re missing out on something. If you really want to do something, you’ll do it because you want to, not because you think it’s the “right” thing to do.
You might have some friends that you love dearly, but it’s done from afar.
You are moving onto a different path now, leaving them to continue on their own. It’s not easy, but it’s part of your own journey that you have to come to accept, even if they never will.
Having to leave people behind will spark the emotional grief of this process. And speaking of grief, if you’ve lost a loved one especially a life partner, many will find themselves in this isolation as they struggle with the experience of great loss.
Part of awakening also includes sobering up, and not drinking as much as you used to or just completely abstaining from substances altogether so all of those “transactional” friends will disappear once the partying stops.
As you discover your highly sensitive nature you also discover that you are on a different energetic level that other people and are no longer a vibrational match with them. Keep honouring the energy within you and finding this peace and contentment from within.
8. You don’t like crowded or busy places and prefer your own company where you can enjoy a deep sense of peace and solitude.
It's not to say that you won't find yourself out and about, but If you are, you must ensure that you’re in an energetic state that can and will allow for it. It also takes a sense of what you can handle and what you know will be way too overstimulating for your nervous system to process.
For instance going to a concert at a large stadium isn’t going to be as appealing to me as seeing someone play in a smaller concert hall. Being in an enclosed environment is also less preferred for me then being in an outdoor event. Being outdoors in an area of crowded people has less containment which allows the energy of people to escape better and not be absorbed. For highly sensitive people like myself I’ve come to notice these truths over the years for myself so that I can honour them and ensure I'm meeting my own needs.
9. It’s expensive out there!
One other truth to face in this current state of economic despair! To leave your house might mean that you’re gonna spend at least $100. Staying home is saving money. Some of you might be working overtime just to pay the bills and have literally no life outside of home.
Another reality that is unfortunate for so many is that when marriages breakdown, they may also leave you bankrupt and in debt, which further holds you back from being out there in the world.
Trust that you will find ways to rebuild yourself in all the ways you need to, and that you can venture out into the world without spending any money. Those things are often nature oriented and definitely something that you can also enjoy on your own.
You might be isolated from people, but you don’t have to isolate yourself from the earth that you were born from. You can connect with books, art, nature, animals, music, the sun and the moon! All for free!
ONE MORE THING
You might be asking, "How long is too long?" and there’s no answer for that. Once you ask that question now you’re concerned about the opinions of others. Everyone's journey is different and for some being in this state of aloneness can go on for years, decades or for the rest of time.
You’ll also ask, "How can I break out of this?" That’s going to be something we all have to evaluate for ourselves. If you were someone that was go-go-go all the time and asking this question means, "When will I return back to normal?" What this time alone is all about is redefining "normal" and whatever that looks like is different for everyone. You may never return to how you were before, and that’s not the point, the point is to find out who you are right now and honour that within yourself.
If you’re saying, “I know this isn’t good for me," then find what is good for you. If that “I know this isn’t good for me” is coming from someone else's voice, find your own truth.
What you want to do is turn this isolation into peaceful solitude and once you’ve gotten there that means you’ve let go of judgement and you’ve embraced self compassion.
On the flip side, some of you might say, "I am doing this, but I’m not lonely, I’m happy and is that ok?" Yes ! Yes it is!
The goal is to find solitude, not loneliness.
Some of you will feel very lonely being alone and that is part of your path to discovering it’s ok to be alone, and that it doesn’t mean you’re a lonely person.
But hey, even if you feel lonely sometimes that’s ok too, just don’t let it consume you. You can feel lonely, but loneliness is not who you are.
Remember self love is not a feeling, it’s a practice. So don’t beat yourself up for taking care of yourself in this way. Give yourself compassion, don’t pity yourself and certainly don’t allow others to pity you either. There’s nothing wrong with you, and trust me, there’s nothing for you to feel guilty about.
Stay strong Lone Wolves!
Fraya Mortensen is a Canadian based Transformational Mindset Coach who helps empathic and highly sensitive people to build their self-awareness, self-compassion and set healthy boundaries without the guilt.
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